Caution Children Present
Tuesday, March 18th, 2008What’s happening? Generally, young children will not share your understanding of the wedding but they will pick up on your excitement, fears and stress related to the wedding and this applies especially to toddlers and babies. Very young children are like little sponges; they soak up everything around them and usually have not learned how to process it all. Try to remember this is a scary time for children. A new parent is entering their life and in most cases they have little or no control over what is happening to them, so cut them a little slack. You may see bad behavior in a child that is normally very well behaved and if that happens sit down and LISTEN to them and then talk about what is happening to them. Please don’t say things like “For once in your life…” or “Do you always have to…” comments like these do not help and will only make the child more anxious. It’s unfair to take out your stress on them no matter how unintentional.
Giving children a major role in the ceremony may quickly become a chore if the child is not excited or happy about the wedding. In general it’s best to give a child only one active role and also to be mentioned in the ceremony, rather than to actively involve a child at many different points throughout the ceremony and reception. With teenagers, some care should be taken not to give them roles they may feel silly doing, like asking a teenager to carry a ring pillow. When asking a teenager to give the bride away or state agreement with the marriage, be sure the child is really comfortable with the role you are giving them. A child who is still wishing his divorced parents will reconcile may not want to give his mother to another man. Finally, remember that while children and the children coming into a marriage are very important to consider, the vows taken are between the bride and groom. The wedding ceremony is an excellent opportunity for the children to see the commitment that is taking place.
Dressing Children for the Wedding - I can’t tell you how many weddings I’ve officiated where children are either freezing because they have no coats or sweating and turning red because they are forced to look cute and stay fully outfitted while the adults stand around with their coats off and ties undone.
It’s simple; just ask yourself “Am I hot or cold?” If your answer is yes, then so are the children. Please don’t make your little ring bearer wait around between pictures and the ceremony or during the reception in a full tux with coat, tie and cummerbund when it’s 90 degrees just because he looks so cute. You’re just asking for trouble. Children can become over heated quickly and an uncomfortable child is a fussy child. Likewise your little flower girl should not have to freeze when it is cold out because you want everyone to see her look like a little princess in her new dress. Bring extra clothes, or a large shirt you can slip over their clothes.
Feed me! For crying out loud feed your children! Young children can not be expected to act accordingly when they are hungry. And just a word of advice; junk food and soda pop doesn’t count, there is a good reason why it’s called “junk” food. When your wedding is at 4 o’clock in the afternoon and pictures start at 1 o’clock, you have to figure the children have not eaten since breakfast and probably won’t eat until 6 o’clock when the reception starts. Good luck with that. Order burgers, make sandwiches, bring soup and have milk and water on hand. Just because you are excited and couldn’t eat a bite does not mean your children or the children in the wedding are going to feel the same way. And while we are on the subject of bringing things bring a few coloring books, games or toys. Keeping young children fed and occupied will go along way in making your day relaxing and enjoyable for all.
Participation In The Ceremony - For younger children, usually the simple task of holding the ring pillow or bouquet is enough to accomplish a sense of participation. For teenagers, the role may be as simple as standing up with the couple, playing the CD or tape of wedding music, or even just taking pictures of the ceremony. What ever you do don’t put the success of the wedding on how well the child does the task. Your teenager can’t take the place of a professional DJ or photographer. Younger children may get cold feet and become terribly shy. And using toddlers in your wedding is quite frankly a “crap shoot” you have a 50/50 chance of things going as planned. So just relax and enjoy the moment.
Mentioning the Children - It is important that children hear their names mentioned in the ceremony. Mentioning their name during the wedding assures that they very important and hold a special status that guests and other family members attending do not. Children need to feel special and it is so easy to sideline them during all the preparation and planning. If children are coming into the marriage, it is appropriate to mention in the ceremony that not only is a marriage being formed, but also a family - and then name each child. If a prayer is in the ceremony, each child’s name may be stated in the prayer. I also offer a New Parent’s Vow to couples that can be added to the ceremony.
When Children Tend To Feel “Left Out” - Most couples are careful to take the time to talk to the children about the marriage before the wedding day and involve children in some aspect of the ceremony. Where children tend to be left out is immediately after the ceremony. The bride and groom walk away and are crowded by “big people” with the children left out of the immediate post ceremony celebration.
Children tend to see the world as revolving around them - and the wedding ceremony as their day too. They feel very left out as the adults celebrate and they are ignored after the ceremony. They tend to be at a loss and do not know what they are supposed to do when the ceremony ends and when you think about it why would they? So often children don’t know how to express the fears or doubts they have in an appropriate manner and poor behavior results. This is easily avoided, simply take a moment at the end of the ceremony to hug the child or children, thank them for helping in the ceremony, and then tell them they are free to play, eat or whatever. This minute of recognition is very important and can keep all of you happy.
Non Ceremony Roles For Children - With many weddings, a good way to involve children (except the very young ones) is to give each their own one-time use camera and have them take pictures they think are important. It will be interesting to see what pictures they take and the photos can later be used to create a scrapbook for the child, a personal remembrance that will be special for them.
Whatever you do remember these little people are so important and are relying on you to show them how it’s done. Good luck!
© 2008 Mary Spies All rights Reserved
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